You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
~Oprah Winfrey
Oprah may not be my role model in all things, but she has suffered a lot throughout her life. There is a certain wisdom that comes from overcoming bad experiences.
The fiancé and I were just talking about this. It is so easy to enter into a relationship because it initially assuages your wounds. There is nothing so wonderful as knowing that the life of another is greatly touched by yours - a life that would be devastated without you. But sooner or later - if you have serious baggage - the object of your affection will not be able to assuage your wounds enough. They will resurface and one or both of you will feel betrayed. One or both of you will feel resentment.
Ironically, I am grateful for the past suffering I've been through. It really forced me to focus on my fears and insecurities. I used to never let men get close to me because I was afraid that they would abandon me. After all, it happens all the time. I was confident that I could initially attract a man, get him to ask me out, and to think about me constantly for a few months. That part was easy. But to expect him to see all of me, and love all of me for life - would that ever happen?
I'm not ashamed to write this or to talk about it because it's a fear that almost every woman has. In fact, I'm confident enough to question the sanity of any woman who claims that this is not the case.
Though I'm a novice in overcoming this fear, so far I've discovered something amazing! It doesn't really matter whether a man displays initial interest and then walks away, or whether he proposes and then breaks up with me (although this would be extremely painful). The point is that in the end the only security I have - which is all I need - is that God loves me unconditionally and is anxiously awaiting the opportunity to reveal Himself to me completely in all His glory. I won't ever have complete security before the afterlife.
Having said as much, to coin the fiancé's phrase, I am so grateful to be with someone who really cares for me, understands me, and tries to let me know every day how much he cares. I'm completely confident that he'll be with me in good times and bad. He understands the importance of being a whole person too, and works on himself every day. We both have overcome obstacles, anchored ourselves on the cross, and - I believe - are ready for the challenges of marriage.
Toward the end of Wednesday's talk (linked to the title of this post), the speaker mentions the capacities for intimacy and aloneness, and the importance of having both. She advises being flexible with one's spouse, and being open to giving/receiving the intimacy one needs from family and friends as well as one's spouse. She uses the analogy of a beer stein and a shot glass - the capacities for intimacy. She claims to have a been stein, while her engineer, left-brain husband has a shot glass. Coming to an acceptable compromise, he spends more time in prayer first and she fills up her beer stein 90% of the way through family and friends.
I'm excited to learn how this all plays out in married life, but so far, I'd say that the fiancé and I are both beer steins. :)
4 comments:
Ok, this might be mundane, so if you have time answer me this. If "he" spends more time in prayer first before coming to a compromise and "she" fills up her beer stein 90% through family and friends ... doesn't "she" pray too? I have this sinking feeling that I'm Oprah and he's definitely not. And we are still together after almost 32 years. And very much in love, just for the record:)
Maybe when two opposite Type A personalities get married this is how they survive.
Yes, she definitely prays too. Sorry, that point was that he deepens his capacity for intimacy with her via prayer. He had a little shot-glass capacity when they first got married and now - through prayer - she says that he has more of a white wine glass capacity! And she prays and talks to family & friends & him to fill her huge beer stein. Make sense now?
Great post, Kateri. And the canon in D really drives it home. :)
Love this post! I think in general men are shot glasses and women are beer steins. Although men seem like beer steins when you are dating them . . . that is to say, before the wedding. But there are exceptions to that rule of course!
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